Nola's Story*

Two and a half years ago I had an abortion. It was my junior year in high school, taking day and night classes just to be sure I would be able to graduate on time (missing half my freshmen and my whole sophomore year put my a little behind). Frank and I had been together for a year now. All I can remember is how much I loved him but how much we would fight. But no matter what I would do anything to always be with him. I honestly don't remember what it was we were fighting about this time that we split up for about a week. In between this time I didn't want to be alone because I couldn't stop myself from crying. An old boyfriend of mine came into the picture during that week, and one thing led to another, we just happened to be in a hot tub, I remember him not using a condom.

Frank and I got back together a few days after that. I just for got to mention my little incident. Frank and I never used protection because I was taking the pill, unfortunately I would miss a few days here and there, by accident of course!

Well as the month ended I did not get my period, I felt hungry all the time, (I am not a very big breasted woman) and my breasts got a little firmer and bigger, I knew, for some reason right away I was pregnant, "Oh my God, but by who?"

I had to go to work that day. I had my gut feeling, so a good friend of mine was kind enough to go buy a pregnancy test for me. I rushed to another one of my girlfriend's house after work to take it (I didn't want to do it alone). Sure enough it took no time at all, I saw two pink lines, I was pregnant! Now I had to tell Frank, the one and only lie I would ever be able to tell him. I showed up at his friend Grege's house and I showed him the test, of course he believed it was his, so I never told him different, there was now way I was going to loose him now.

As the days went by I tried to figure out if I would be able to tell when I got pregnant, I remembered the date of the night I was with Manuel and around the date that Frank and I had make up sex, but all I found out was the dates were right in the middle so it was just to close to tell. I really couldn't tell how far long I was either but no more than a month.

There was so much discussion, between Frank and I, between myself, then I finally built the courage to tell my mother. That night she looked me straight in my eyes and told me she would support any decision I would make. In my clouded mind I wanted this baby, I want Frank and I to be together, I thought I was in love with him that much. I wanted to have this baby, Frank did not, then because of my love for him I made an appointment to kill my baby.

I must have cried every day till that date. It was an early morning, Frank and I both had to take off from school and my mother was there too. I sat in the waiting room filling out all the paper work, waiting for them to call me in for a short counseling session before the procedure. When they pulled me in that little room all I did was break down, I did not want to do this, but it was the choice I had made so I was going to go through with it. The lady walked me back to the waiting room, as I sat there I started to cry again, I looked at Frank in tears. He walked me outside, for a pep talk you could say. As he stood there and told me he loved, how he would always be there for me, "But right now babe we can't have a kid, we are still in high school, please do this for me." He kissed me softly and walked me back inside.

I laid down on the bed, they had pictures on the calling, like a soft rain animal music thing going and the lights were really low, almost dark. It did not take long, next thing I really remember was Frank walking me to his car, I cried the whole way while he drove me home.

Two and half years has gone by since that day. Frank and I are no longer together, the scary part about that is even if I would have had the baby we still would not be together and it might not have even been his. I have moved on since that day and now when I look back it still makes me a little sad, but I can smile about it because I made the best decision, with Franks help, he was right I was not ready. Abortion may have not been the best thing, but for my personal emotions giving away my baby would have torn my insides apart more then that little operation did and I did it at an early stage. I am still young, at 19 years old I have not yet experienced life enough to give it. In time I will have a baby with the right man and a right state of mind, when I am ready!

24 September 2001

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"Recovery is so difficult to navigate because one is required to travel simultaneously in two directions: to walk again through the familiar landscapes of the past and to journey at the same time into unknown territory, to live as one has never before lived."
— "Landmarks" (c. 1998), essay by Terry Wolverton

*Name changed